Updated: Apr 29, 2019
I think that in our lifetime, there’s always something that we’re waiting for. Whether big or small, it’s enough to either motivate us or to crush us, to look to God or tear us apart.
I remember as a kid I was constantly thinking about myself as a teenager, but more specifically, being 16 years old. I entertained myself with the idea of driving a car and going to big parties with my many friends. Well, here I am now, no where near interested nor close to those expectations I had while I was little.
When I got a little bit older, I loved thinking about college. College was where I wanted to be. I had planned out where I wanted to go and what I wanted my major and minor were going to be. (Y’all, I wanted to double major and minor. I was going to be busy!) I loved the idea of independence, finding my own person rather than being known as John and Maria’s daughter or Bill Bob’s granddaughter.
It wasn’t until a few weeks ago I walked the halls of my future high school, choking on tears because I was so afraid. I had the slightest of idea what I was going to do. My dad even called me in to talk whether or not I was homeschooling the next year or going to public. I really didn’t know. He asked me what my plans were for college. Similarly, I didn’t know. What once seemed so clear to me was indescribably blurred. I was terrified of not knowing who I was or what I was going to do. I remember even telling him that I felt like I was going to do something that didn’t exist yet. As you might imagine, this thought probably wasn’t the most comforting to my father!
The next day I went outside and wrote down everything that scared me about public school. Everything from being afraid of being taken advantage of by an older boy to being afraid I would lose my faith all together. I cried so hard. I didn’t want that. It was in the moments of tears and of hard prayer where the answer was made very clear to me. I had to go back to public full time. That was Gods will for me. No, it wasn’t what I would’ve chose. But now that I look at it with a clear mind, I see now that I’m needed at high school. My thought process was this: Everyone in my household is a Christian. The only times I would really leave my home was for worship and a Bible study. I wouldn’t have had anyone that needed me. I wouldn’t have grown.
Home school is a fantastic program, but as hard as it is to leave, it’s just not for me.
Wednesday night I briefly discussed this in my Bible class. It’s just me, my teacher, and one other person. But you see, I laugh so hard there. In between laughs, sports stories, discussing our lives and waving at little kids...it leaves me fulfilled. Yes, I understand that this may not sound the most entertaining. It’s a far cry from light shows and fog machine worship. But you know what? It’s enough for me, and it’s exactly what God wanted.
So long story short, I told them that I didn’t know what I was going to do. I feel like it may not exist right now. It’s a hard pill for me to swallow, because I feel like I need to have an identity. Sharing that was hard, but they listened. At one point I felt like I was talking to much, and I think I said something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, that was probably too much.” But my teacher said, “No, this is good.” Friends, that was good. This is good.
You see, we find peace where we are. A good piece of advice is to love where you are. I was trying to find peace in my age, in driving a car, in my college plans, and my career. But really, there is always something in the distance. If I put my mind on what’s to come in an unhealthy way, I’ll never be satisfied. My philosophy is this: Why should we be so concerned with a future that may never come? Why try living in the past when it will never feel the same? It will never give you the same amount of fulfillment that it once did. My life will always change. There will be new people, new opportunities, and new things I can’t even comprehend right now. God, on the other hand, won’t change. And I’d much rather put my satisfaction on a God who will never change and who will always be there for me rather than something that I may never do. God is here now, so embrace him.
Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord.